Sunday, December 31, 2006

New Year's Resolutions

As the new year is almost upon us, I thought it would be appropriate to suggest a few New Year's resolutions. It's only paranoia if your fears never come true, and how likely is that, really?

Go back to school.
Education is the key to success, they say. So stop procrastinating and finally become certified to handle hazardous waste and blood-borne pathogens at the online Hazmat School. If two-thirds of your fair city is wiped out by an unidentified plague or biological warfare, you're going to have to wade through some pretty nasty shit to get out of town. And wouldn't you feel more comfortable knowing that you are officially certified to do so?

Spend more time with the family.
Go camping maybe. But follow the boyscout motto and be prepared. Campsites and (shudder) latrines are breeding grounds for all kinds of dangerous bacteria. And need I mention bears? What you need is an RV that is both luxurious and "nuclear/radiation fallout, biological and chemical resistant". Perfect for any post-apocalyptic cross-country road trip with the kids.

Make new friends.
But you can't trust just anyone you come into contact with. Anybody could be a terrorist. The guy in the cubicle next to you at work could have a briefcase full of smallpox, and you would never know until it was too late. So if you can't trust anybody on Earth, whom can you trust enough to befriend? Well, space aliens, of course. Just use this handy phone number to get in touch - only $3.99 a call.

Keep in touch with old friends.
Of course, if the world is decimated by plague, nuclear war or whatever, and all of your friends are dead, this will become quite difficult. So you better prepare now. Purchase a few of these specialized cell phones and you can communicate with your loved ones for over a year after they've been dead and buried. For an extra fee, you can even extend the contract.

Get away from it all. Far away.
If you've seen The Ring, The Ring Two, Fear Dot Com or Pulse, you know that "they" will use our own lines of communication to mount their attack. TVs, VCR's, DVD's, cell phones, email - you name it - all will be the means of our destruction. Protect yourself from the coming armageddon now by purchasing your own private island miles away from any wi-fi hot spots.

Lose some of that extra weight.
You know when the plague arrives and people start dropping like flies, our city will be quarantined, and the grocery stores looted. And when supplies run out, the people will turn to cannibalism. It won't be their fault - it's just human nature. They'll eat the fatties first, though, so buy your self a few extra days of horror by dropping those extra pounds now to make yourself look a little less juicy and delicious.

Plan for the future.
You made out your will and your living will last year. 2007 is the year to take that planning to its next logical step: cryogenics. For the budget conscious, you might want to consider just freezing your brain - it's almost half the cost of preserving your entire body!

Update your wardrobe
Paper masks are so yesterday. What you need is a brand new outfit that is CDC rated for the 'H5N1' Avian Bird Flu Virus. All the cool paranoid kids are wearing them.

Remodel the house.
You've been meaning to for years. With all the war, terrorism and bird flu scares nowadays, there has never been a better time to give your family the kind of peace of mind that can only come from a full-blown disaster shelter. Not your generic bomb shelter from the '50's - no sir. You need the kind that will protect your loved ones from EMP pulses, nuclear radiation, bomb blasts, chemical &biological agents, zombies and more. (disclaimer - the website says nothing about zombies, but it stands to reason that if the shelter is secure against nuclear blasts, it should hold off a few hundred of the undead.)

Institute a disaster management plan.
Your trustworthy and dependable friends at the Department of Homeland security have put together a website to help you do just that. It's full of helpful hints like this:

Happy new year. If you live.

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